Two cars yet nowhere to go. But how did she get where she is?

Lockdown has certainly left everyone frazzled.  I have been trying to get on with writing my book, but it is not easy.

Yesterday I got hit by a flying bra in the communal laundry room. I was explaining quite reasonably to Joan that it was my slot and she needed to get a move on. Unfortunately, she is no longer “all there” and threw her washing at me screaming blue murder.

I contacted our management company, McDonal and Bone, and they assured me that my “safety was their highest priority”.  Though they haven’t actually done anything.

People like Joan should not really be left without proper care.  She now wanders the corridors shouting at anyone she sees.  You can see her flying spittle and it is rumoured she never got her jab.

I would have contacted Crispin McDonal, the company boss and my star former student, to raise the issue, but he is somewhat preoccupied with his sexual harassment case.

Disturbingly he has started to stalk her on Google

My dear husband Thomas has instigated hostilities with new resident, Elizabeth Pitcher-Black MBE JP.  They are crossing swords over parking spaces.  Immediately she arrived one of the visitor parking spaces was converted into a resident parking space for her sole use as a second space.  Thomas had been asking management for an extra parking space for years until I insisted he stopped wasting his time and he just had to sell off his beloved Mark 2 Jaguar and its garage and get by with the Ford.

He confronted her. She just laughed and insisted she needed to run a Range Rover as well as her Lexus to keep on top of her extensive estates. Now he refers to her as “that woman”.  And disturbingly he has started to stalk her on Google. But his post investigative reports have been fascinating.

She got her MBE for “services to the community” while head of Westminster Council.  There were however rumours aplenty largely based on the mismatch between the acreage and locations of her land holdings and her accountable income. But nothing that stuck. I thought I would help, and contacted my criminal friend of old, Prinz Charlz.

He knew her as “Betty Bung”.  She regularly cleared the way for developers to take over council houses by ensuring they were left to fall into disrepair. She was very close to Thatcher and Jeffrey and Mary Archer.

He knew her as “Betty Bung”.

This fired Thomas up. He started an Extinction Rebellion style vigil super-gluing himself down in her parking space. Sadly the ground clearance of the Rover was so high Elizabeth P-B just parked it over him. Getting him out was utterly humiliating. Remains of his jacket are still adhered to the space. And she is apparently planning to get the police to prosecute him once the new Police, Crime, Sentencing and Courts Bill is passed into law.

If only I could have some peace to finish my book. I really feel I am getting somewhere in applying an optimisation framework to explain re-negotiation strategies in long-term contracts.

Verity Bastion

Verity is an emeritus professor of economics now living in a retirement apartment after a distinguished career with her husband, Thomas. She writes a regular column for The Mint on …

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